Wall Street Jokes: “Don’t try to buy at the bottom and sell at the top. It can’t be done except by liars.”, Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) financier & economist
By Daniel at 18 November, 2008, 9:10 pm
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“What’s the difference between an investor and a pigeon? “The pigeon can still make a desposit on a house.” —Roger, FCD Wall Street Jokes
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A mathematician and a Wall street broker went to races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The mathematician was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the mathematician.
“You are too theoretical,” he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money.
Triumphantly, he exclaimed, “I told you, I knew the secret!”
“What is your secret?” the mathematician asked.
“It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine.”
“But, three and five is eight,” the mathematician protested.
“I told you, you are too theoretical!” the broker replied, “Haven’t I just shown experimentally, that my calculation is correct! 3+5=9!”
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Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”
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“I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?”
“Neither, just a plain a**.”
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“Boy, another bad day on Wall Street. Things are getting ugly. Dow Jones is starting to look more like Paula Jones.” —Jay Leno
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“The economy is in big trouble. Yesterday in a big speech, President Bush said the economy was still getting over the hangover from the 90’s. And then, the president admitted he was still getting over his hangover from the 80’s.” —Conan O’Brien
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“Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt.” — Jay Leno
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“You know, there was that controversial terrorist memo that never got to President George W. Bush. Well, they finally figured out what happened. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shredded them with some Enron documents.” —David Letterman
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”
“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“That’s wonderful!” says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”
“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That’s wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”
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Tough times for everyone…
http://commontater.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/origin4665_11782_20070202_o1.gif
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A banker walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.” The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.
Three weeks later the banker comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?”
The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?”
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How bankers do it…
Bankers do it risk-free.
Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal.
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How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
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A girl gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is for business class. The girl says, “I’m female, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to see my INVESTMENT BANKER boyfriend in California.”
The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The girl says, “I’m female, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to see my investment banker boyfriend in California.”
The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the girl and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.
The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?” “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California!”
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“The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war!”
–G W Bush - The first Presidential debate
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“My [tax cut] plan is realistic because it avoids meaningless 15-year projections.”
–George W. Bush goes to extraordinary lengths to defend his tax cut plan. (Quote is from a Bush speech in Iowa, 12/1/99)
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Fed Reserve Joke…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qntaKqsHiRM
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